Our marker is down, from now until the end of the qualification campaign in 2015 it’s ours. You can’t have it.

Which Groucho position? This one.

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“I sent my club a wire stating, ‘Please accept my resignation – I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member’ – Groucho.

Euro 2016 is the tournament that it’s ‘impossible’ not to qualify for, right?

No dress code, no age restrictions, never mind whether the bouncer has you on the guest list, not just for the in-crowd – if you’re not at this party it’s a guaranteed eternity of embarrassment.

Particularly, for Scotland, if elimination is at the hands of Ireland. Again.

And the most stylish way of pretending we never actually cared that much would be the Groucho position. ‘Better things to do in summer 2016′, grass to cut, handicap needs trimming – wouldn’t want to be part of a devalued Euro anyway..’

‘Twenty six teams? Ridiculous’

It left a Mark

What’s that I hear you asking? Why particularly embarrassing to exit to the Irish?

Well with all due respect, on behalf of my nation, we hold a grudge. A really big, nasty, festering, Friday night on Sauchiehall street after a good few bevvies one.

Never mind any gilding of the lily, Irish football really barely registered as a blip on anyone’s horizon before 1987. I’m nearly sure of that.

LAWR CHANGER: Lawrenson’s winner against Scotland changed both country’s sporting fortunes (pic: Inpho)

It all started with THAT win at Hampden Park. Firstly, the free kick from which ‘Lawro’ scored should never have been taken – half our defence was still lying prostrate on the turf, the ball was played about a kilometre from where the foul had been given. The ball was never stationary. The dopey Dutch referee dropped a clanger the size of County Clare.

Secondly, you boys in green have never, ever admitted that qualification for Euro ’88 was solely down to us. Well, to Gary Mackay, actually.

His gorgeous goal away to Bulgaria [27 years ago this week] PLUS those two points (of which we were robbed by big Jack’s smash and grab merchants at Hampden would have put us through to Germany ’88) put Stoichkov and co out. Ray Houghton, Lawro, Stapo and big Paul McGrath through.

Any thanks? Any acknowledgement? Any sheepish acceptance that Hampden was daylight robbery.

Not a dicky bird.

Not So Bravehearted

Moreover, I can’t be the only Scot whose friends in Ireland have been gleefully ‘roasting’ him over the last few months.

Yeah, yeah. Seb Coe and co would say that ‘sport and politics don’t mix – should never mix’. But they do.

I’m quite certain that many in Scotland shared my Independence Referendum experience – admirably malicious texts, phone calls and emails from Irish pals in the build-up demanding to know whether the Scots would have the ‘cojones’ to seize their chance for freedom from the yolk of Westminster as Ireland once did.

Then, with equally gleeful malevolence, mocking our failure to put the ball in the net when the goal was gapingly open after Scotland narrowly voted ‘no’ in September.

And even though there’s a heat about this game because ‘it’s about the points, stupid!’ [to coin a phrase stolen from George Bush], a heat because two extremely self-confident and brutally confident ex-Celtic managers do battle – I think there’s a cultural-sporting context for it which vastly heightens the importance.

During Scotland’s slide into sporting mediocrity, independent-Ireland have not only neatly stolen our identity as the world’s favourite cheeky Celtic nation – the boys in green have become a better Scotland than we ever were.

From that moment in spring 1987 when Tiger Economy Ireland clawed Scotland at Hampden they’ve shown us how we should have done it when we were the top Celtic-cats

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Once it was Scotland’s birthright to beat Sir Alf Ramsey’s England at Wembley in 1967 and declare ourselves world champions. To scare the bejaysus out of reigning world champions Brazil in the 1974 world cup and only let them escape with a 0-0 draw because Billy Bremner missed an open goal. To draw with Iran but then beat Holland [four years on from being finalists in 1974 and a fortnight away from reaching the final again in 1978]

Ireland took all that and topped it. That’s sore to admit.

The Green Eyed Monster

Qualifying when we can’t. Beating England at Euro ’88. Absolutely rocking Italia ’90, beating Italy at USA 94, shame-free spot-kick losers to Spain in the Japan-Korea knockout stages. Recipients of the ‘we love you, you plucky victim’ award from the entire world outside France when Thierry Henry mistook football for basketball in that World Cup playoff.

That’s our gallant loser trophy you’ve stolen, that’s OUR ‘best fans in the world’ title you’ve shamelessly robbed. Identity theft is a serious issue.

And when we look around for solace – we can’t look at rugby or cricket any more either.

From just a couple of weeks after ‘Operation Lawro’ at Hampden in ’87 and for the next twelve years Scotland met Ireland at Murrayfield and Landsdowne road fourteen times losing only once.

Proper domination.

But of the next eighteen Ireland have won twelve. Torture. Six Nations titles, a bloody Grand Slam [and, yes, even we cheered when Ronan O’Gara dropped-kicked Ireland into an emerald heaven].

With bat and ball against the Irish Scotland’s ODI record is lost eleven of fifteen and in Twenty20 it’s an embarrassing played three lost three.

ANOTHER BATTERING: Ireland are even dominating Scotland on the cricket field (pic: Inpho)

How the combined Shinty/Hurling contest is going I daren’t even look.

I don’t want to rope poor old Gordon Strachan into this rant of mine, he’s enough on his hands coping with street-smart Martin and the bragging-rights battle which [I have no doubt] is also at stake between the two former Celtic managers under whose swords, both as player and manager, the mighty have fallen.

But Gordon was in that team at Hampden in ’87 – watched his former Cup Winners Cup winning team mate Jim Leighton beaten by the ‘Lawro-goal’ which should never have stood.

He’ll want to put the world to rights. To put the cocky Celtic imposter back in it’s box. Then to send them a gilt-embossed card with the Groucho position beautifully printed on it so that, late next year, it’s the FAI who can post it on to Uefa and Michel Platini saying: ‘We never wanted to come to your party anyway’. Yours – The Boys In Green.

All together now: ‘You’ll never beat the Scottish’.

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Despite expressing his love for both the club and London throughout last season, it always seemed likely that van Persie’s days at the Emirates were numbered and now he has confirmed that he will not be penning a new deal at the club.

The main reason for his desire to move on, whether it is this summer or next, appears to be a disagreement “on the way Arsenal FC should move forward”.

Roughly translated, that means the Holland international wants to win trophies and, with Arsenal’s lack of success over the past six years, he feels his ambitions would be better served elsewhere.

That is fair enough as it is every player’s right to switch clubs when out of contract but, with only 12 months of his current deal to run, his transfer value will have fallen and the Gunners will no longer be able to demand mega bucks for their star striker.

Both management and player kept stating that there would be no negotiations until the end of the season but, given Wednesday’s announcement, that seems to have been an odd decision.

Had the 28-year-old made his feelings clearer last season, he could have been sold for a large fee in January, given that he was in the form of his life, and it may well be that Arsene Wenger decides to keep him in north London for next season to see if they can win a trophy before letting him leave for nothing.

Whatever happens, the club is the loser and it is open to debate as to whether the situation could have been handled in a better way.

It is true that Arsenal have underachieved in the past six years, with the Gunners’ faithful crying out for the Frenchman to spend some money, and Wenger has now begun to open the cheque book with the capture of Lukas Podolski and Olivier Giroud.

The two new recruits looked set to shoulder some of the burden for van Persie and may well have operated in a three-pronged attack.

With Theo Walcott and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain providing pace and width on the flanks, it appeared as though Wenger was putting together an exciting side that may even have challenged for the title – until Wednesday’s bombshell (Arsenal 10/1 Premier League Outright).

It is unclear how exactly van Persie wants the club to move forward, as that appears to be exactly what is happening.

Arsenal have never spent vast sums of money on transfer fees and it is unlikely, given their current policy, that they will ever land a true world star of the game.

But that is not the way that the French tactician operates as he chooses to sign young players, many of them French or north African, and develop them.

The problem has been holding onto his stars once they have made a name for themselves and a succession of top players have left the club in the past few years.

Last summer’s loss of Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri was a huge blow and talk at the time centred on how important it would be that van Persie did not follow suit.

But a lack of urgency to get him to pen a new deal has left the famous club with a dilemma on their hands.

There will doubtless be a number of suitors of the former Feyenoord man, with Juventus said to have already tabled an £8millon bid.

Whether or not that is true is unknown but surely a player of his standing is worth three times that amount – or would have been last season.

If he is sold during the summer transfer window then Wenger will need to plan again for next season with Podolski and Giroud’s roles changing ahead of the new campaign.

The veteran coach will have planned his tactics around having the Dutchman up front and he may now look to bring in another front man if RVP heads through the exit door.

The sight of their hero scoring goals for either of the Manchester clubs would certainly leave a bitter taste in the Arsenal fans’ mouths and, if rumours are to be believed, he would probably favour a move overseas.

The Rotterdam-born star has been linked with Barcelona and that would make for a scary attacking force at the Nou Camp with Lionel Messi still pulling the strings and scoring for fun.

There will doubtless be rumours and reported sightings of van Persie buying a house here, there and everywhere over the next few weeks, but the smart money is on him seeing out his contract with Arsenal and, in combination with the new stars, finally getting some silverware in the Emirates trophy cabinet (Arsenal 8/1 FA Cup Outright).

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Wolves (evens To Stay Up) travel to their neighbours currently sat at the foot of the table but could join the Baggies on 27 points with a win and drag their rivals further into the relegation battle (West Brom 11/8 Relegation) as we head towards the home straight this season.

Neither side is in particularly good form of late, hence their struggles at the wrong end of the table, but the outcome of this match could make-or-break their respective seasons.

To add extra spice to the occasion Roy Hodgson will take charge of his first game in charge of West Brom following Roberto Di Matteo’s dismissal and he will hope the new manager factor can help give them a precious win (10/11 Home Win).

Striker Peter Odemwingie revealed that Hodgson has been focusing on tightening up the leakiest defence in the Premier League after watching from the stands as they threw away a three-goal lead against West Ham to draw 3-3 last Saturday.

Albion, who have endured a run of seven defeats and just four points from nine games, will face Wolves without influential midfielder Youssouf Mulumbu, but have no other fresh injury problems.

Wolves, who have only won on their travels once all season, should have Kevin Foley returning at full-back, while midfielder Dave Edwards should also be back following a leg knock. Stephen Hunt faces a late fitness test to see if he can shake off a calf injury in time to feature.

Wolves boss Mick McCarthy admitted that he “can’t articulate how big it is” when asked his thoughts on the game. And, while he is confident that his side can go and see off West Brom in their back-yard, the statistics do not back him up.

Wolves have lost their last four Premier League away fixtures and, having scored just nine goals in 13 matches on the road.

Taking everything into account the arrival of Hodgson should give West Brom the edge to shade what will be a tense clash as the home players look to impress.

By his own admission Hodgson has not had long enough to get his ideas across to the Albion players so I can see both sides managing to score (8/13 Both Teams To Score), but Wolves ending up pointless.

Prediction: West Brom To Score In Both Halves @ 19/10

Value Bet: Peter Odemwingie 1st Scorer & West Brom 2-1 Wolves @ 25/1

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